今日という日は 曇りのち快晴

i love my son, i still haven't named him but he's my son and i love him so much already:,,,) im tired and i need to wake up early otherwise id write an essay about the strange motherhood manifestation caused by felines

cute kitten joined the family today 👼🏻🐱 brainstorming names together

i finished 84, Charing Cross Road but not the short play assigned to us.. tragic.. (yes its a tragic play: Phèdre de Jean Racine)

this book is short too so ,,,

i also want to reread 🚁 it bcs its so sweet and funny and made me feel nostalgic for times i didn't belong in (& i need to watch the movie)

i keep wondering WHAT's THIS PHENOMENON bcs it's so common.. does time exist as something that's more than conceptual inside all of us?? ➡ brainrot

need to finish 4 assignments i procrastinated that are due 26 nov lol BUT i'm having fun working on them ngl, ok byee

EDIT: i went to the library today for the first time in months and i locked in for 3 hours ⭐

after a sick week of barely eating anything, and a definite recovery by the help of the blissful soup, mom went all the way in and prepared a hearty meal today of lamb and prunes, french fries on the side and refreshing homemade juice (oranges, carrots, mango yogurt; the mix tasted like peach which was a nice surprise)!! everyone enjoyed her cooking and especially me.. i love her so much

title is a gentle reminder!! it may not sound like one but it truly is, a direct quote from healthy gamer gg on youtube lol i think everyone should watch that video (made mom watch it and she got mad at me) ANYWAY the thing is, with me being in online spaces, i default to venting complaining and generally spending so much time trying to make sense of negative feelings and thoughts with words and even "romanticizing" that state i'm in thinking it would help me but i just had a big realization that in fact it does the total opposite. even when i'm aware that my depressive episodes are just passing by i get impatient and tired of waiting for it to be over. i put efforts into embracing these not so positive states i go through, i keep in mind that i should treat myself gently always but once i'm in an online space i get a big urge to just talk about my problems and the rubbish that goes through my head, making all my efforts meaningless. i always try to think of the root problems and directly address them, ideally as soon as i pin point them, and here i found one: venting fucking sucks.

( can u see my contradictions + how it started + small appreciation towards my friends ) 

from now on, as this is a new journal, i'll try to be as vent free as possible, (you should be thankful i used to write philosophical essays about my sadness/ existential crises/ etc etc) of course i'm not going to embrace that toxic positivity mindset, contradictory to whatever others see in me (99% of the time: a bubbly ray of sunshine kinda person who's optimistic about everything) i'm more of a blind person who's so uncertain about anything that's unfamiliar. the odds of good things happening to me in an uncertain situation equal the bad ones. i expect the two extremes, perhaps in an attempt to protect myself against disappointment and sadness in case the latter results happen to win over lol but hey that's not really the point! the point is i should become more honest with myself, stop this bad habit completely and engage in more constructive ways to feel better.